Even as my heart is letting go, my mind is clinging.
It has been a little over six weeks since I walked away from the sweet gentleman…and as I sit and reflect on why I walked away, I realized that it wasn’t because of what he did but because of what I was feeling.
So often, we stay in situations that no longer feel good and try to fix it…but it never gets fixed. It doesn’t get fixed because we can’t see the problem when we are in it. While this distance hasn’t been easy to deal with, it has helped me to see that it didn’t matter what he was doing, it didn’t matter if I blamed him or he blamed me, what matters is that it did not feel good. Yes, I could go and try to make sense and logic of it but emotions aren’t about logic. Emotions are about what we are feeling. Quite frankly, it felt painful. I was being push aside and managed down and it didn’t sit well with me. Now I could have done what I did in the past and stayed longer but then what? I lose. I lose my dignity, I lose my self respect, I lose my value to my self.
So many times I’ve made the guy to be a bad guy, but I wasn’t going to do that this time. This was a good guy, he’s still a good guy, but he just wasn’t the good guy for me at the time or at all. I had to love myself enough to walk away from the pain. I had to be responsible for myself.
Like I said, I wasn’t going to make him a bad guy. I think that even good guys do bad things if we let them and that’s partly why I let him go, because I didn’t want to make him a bad guy. I didn’t want to stay and let him take me for granted then blame him. I didn’t want to stay and give him sex and feel unappreciated while he dated another woman. These are the things we do as women that bring us down and bring our men down with us…and no I’m not taking responsibility away from him but you can’t control anyone but yourself. So that’s what I did. I took control over the only thing I had control over…me.
…and yes, I still think of him, but my heart, in its own way is letting go. I miss him less. I still think of him often but I am committed to my happiness and I wasn’t feeling happy there anymore. My feelings are important to me and I require that same consideration from the man that I will choose.
I can be grateful for the memories and the tenderness we had, no need to have hard feelings. Love lives here, in my heart, and I have to remember that…
Remember, love life and life will love you back.