I have to take a stand for who I am…

It’s been a while…a lot has been going on.  I’ve been offered a position as an official blogger for a small digital magazine.  I’ve gotten a repeat client with my business, which I needed badly for income.  I’ve got a business proposition on the table that will create income for years to come if I do it the right way…and I will…and last but not least, I’m processing the separation from a man that I felt very close to…

I officially broke it off on December 2.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  It was painful to be treated like an option.  We went from seeing each other several times a week to barely seeing each other in two weeks…I cried a lot before I actually took the step to break it off.  I cried because there was a point where we didn’t talk for 3 days and when I finally talked to him…it was like nothing.  He made it seem like it was me, and maybe it was me…maybe I wasn’t showing him as much attention as he wanted but he certainly didn’t seem to mind.  I mean how could you mind when you are getting attention from other people? I was on the back burner.  He didn’t understand where I was coming from and I was not about to try and make logic out of emotions.  All I knew was that it didn’t feel good anymore.

It didn’t feel good to talk to him anymore because…I wasn’t getting the special treatment that I had been getting.  And the more that I brought things up about how he used to do this and that the more he made me feel small and insignificant.  Not because he was insulting me but because he was right…I put myself in a position where I couldn’t hold him accountable.  I didn’t ask for the commitment…I thought I was safe.  I thought I was the only one.  Yes, he made some promises about always being good to me…but what’s a promise when it’s said in the throes of hormonal infatuation?

Even now, while I’m writing about it, it hurts.  I haven’t talked text, called, emailed, messaged him in over 3 weeks.  It feels shitty. 

He text me on Christmas…he JUST wanted to wish me and my family a merry Christmas.  How sweet right? WRONG!

You know what it did? It made me cry. It made me remember how good our relationship was until some point when he forgot to communicate with me that he was seeing other people.  It made me mad.  I ignored it………..

Yes, I ignored it.  Why?

Why?

Why?

…because, it’s a text message. It’s easy to hide behind a text message.  And he got to do JUST what he wanted to do…which was JUST wish me a merry Christmas.  Is it rude not to respond? Probably.  Do I care about him? Yes.  Those aren’t really the issues for me though.

For me, it’s a matter of principle and values.  You don’t get to treat me like I’m ordinary and keep me. 

Let me repeat that: YOU don’t get to treat me like I’m ordinary and keep me. (more on this in another post)

A text message is easy.  And if I would have responded and he didn’t respond back to me, I would have felt awful because I would want more.  I want more.  I’m not going to lie to myself and pretend like I’m okay with ‘just being friends’.  I don’t want to just be friends.  I want more.  And quite frankly, I’ve been there done that with the whole other woman thing…and you know what? I’d rather lose him than lose myself in the process of trying to keep him.

I want to bring out the best in a man so that I know he’s the best one for me.  My best friend, male best friend, said that he might take that rejection as I don’t want him anymore…well if he gives up that easily, then he’s not the one for me.  Come better.  Come like you really want it.  If he wants easy, he can stay where he is, with the girl that was waiting in the wings for her chance.  Don’t come here. 

If I can’t bring out the best in him then I’ll gladly let him go to the woman who can.  And it obviously gives me the opportunity to let Mr. Right-For-Me find me.

Our only chance of ever getting back together is to give it time and space.  We need to be apart so we can both evaluate our situation and our feelings towards one another without pressure.  We both need the time and space without interruption either.  We both expressed how we didn’t want it to end, but I wasn’t willing to stay in a situation where I compromise my happiness and he wasn’t willing to give up seeing other people. 

This is honestly more about me loving myself enough to walk away when it doesn’t feel good.  I have to learn to say no to the things I don’t want or else I’ll never get the things I do want.  I can’t be flaky with my values when it comes to the man that I want to share my life with.  I want a marriage based on real intimacy, love, communication, and integrity.  And if I don’t have that for myself, how could I ever offer that to someone else.  I have to take a stand for who I am…I’d rather lose him than lose myself.

 Love life everyone, and life will love you back.

Thank you.

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