I am in love…

When faced with a situation that is similar to one that you have dealt with in the past, what do you do?

Well, you choose differently.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…and well, I want different results without the insanity.

I’ve had a very rough last few years in the relationship department and once again I am faced with the same situation.

The first guy, the toxic one, we dated and I found out he was seeing someone else and I hung on.  I allowed him to stay in my life and I clung while he dragged me through the dirt, rocks and all.  This went on for years…

The second guy, the long distance one, he used busy as an excuse to communicate with me less and even though it seemed like I let it go easily, I still allowed him space in my life and I didn’t find out about the girl until around Christmas.

And this guy, my very sweet gentleman, has closed himself off to me, starting around the time I had this really stressful client relationship.  He says that he has never allowed himself to date and he thought that it would be ok since we hadn’t established any boundaries regarding exclusivity…

Well, regardless of what he is saying and how much I understand where he is coming from and how entitled I think he is to date and find out what he wants and doesn’t want, it doesn’t feel good.  He has disconnected from me already.  I can’t say that there has been a thing I could point to that shows it but I can feel it.

I like this guy.  I like him enough to want to see if there is anything between us.  I like that he was sweet and attentive and concerned and actively interested. But I want the security of not having to worry about another person while we figure it out.  And I deserve that.  I deserve to have nothing less than what I want.

And while it feels counterintuitive to step away, I feel like it is what needs to happen.  I am no longer getting any reassurances from him and that feels scary.  It’s scary to be with a guy and start really liking him and then have him tell you 5 months into it that he’s dating other people.  I feel like space is exactly what we need from each other.

What is the alternative? The alternative is that I continue to see him knowing I’m getting less than what I was getting before and the possibility that I could end up heartbroken.  I don’t want to end up feeling resentful and angry.  I like him, and I like him as a friend.  Not that I am going to be his friend right now but I know that some of my past relationships have not ended on a positive note.  And while I am not saying this is the end, I still want it to be positive.

I just don’t want the pain. I don’t want to think about the fact that he is seeing other women while I’m with him. I don’t want to end up not liking him or worse yet, hating him.  And while I am a very confident woman, I still have my insecurities. Hell, they pop up quite often and I have to talk to myself and encourage myself.  It’s a skill that I’ve taught myself over the last year and I am grateful for it.

I deserve nothing less than what I want.  And what I want is to meet, date, and marry a man that is completely head over heels for me.  I’ve learned over the many years, that is what makes me feel like a woman in a romantic relationship.  When the guy really likes me and is giving me attention and affection, I blossom in the relationship.  It makes me want to be more feminine and it feels really, really good.  It’s beautiful to be a woman in that kind of energy.  Its playful, its sweet, its …fun.

There is nothing that glows like a woman that is being adored by a man.  It’s like a love overdose in that early stage of a relationship where hormones are just exploding.

But, I am in love.  I am in love with me.  I love that I am kind.  I love that I have a passion to help others.  I love that I am a dedicated yogi.  I love that I am constantly finding ways to grow.  I love that I love nail polish.  I love that I am open and welcoming.  I love that I am funny.  I love that I am generous.  I love me.

I love me too much to do anything to hurt myself.

(And if it is a question, yes, I have started dating other men.  I mean I love men, I like to be around them, and so I just have to get back into the swing of how things were in the summer.)

Love life everyone…and life will love you back.

Thank you.

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