The worst kind of betrayal…

I’m a big fan of psychology.  I like to know how the mind works and how we communicate and demonstrate things in our lives. So I tend to read a lot of psychology articles.  I was on and I saw an article about betrayal.

You know when you are in a friendship or relationship and you notice somehow, without any conscious clue, that things have started changing?

Well this article had a quote from a book that I’d like to share and it kind of sums up what I would believe many of us feel but can not express.

I hope that this gives some of you the expression that you have been looking for when these things happen.

Here it is:

When we think about betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, most of us think of someone we trust doing something so terrible that it forces us to grab the jar and dump out every single marble. What’s the worst betrayal of trust? He sleeps with my best friends. She lies about where the money went. He/she chooses someone over me. Someone uses my vulnerability against me (an act of emotional treason that causes most of us to slam the entire jar to the ground rather than just dumping out the marbles.) All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust.

In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the  betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would would say disengagement.

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.”

This is an excerpt from the book by  Brene Brown, Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

She expresses almost exactly the point I have been thinking, that when this sort of betrayal happens, you can’t figure out why you feel hurt, you just do.  Something in you tells you that it does not feel good.

I just wanted to share this.  If anyone has any feedback or comments, they are always welcome.

Love life…and life will love you back.

Thank you.


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