My multiple choice test…

I wrote this on Nov. 20th.  I have had the habit lately of writing my entries in Word and giving myself some  time to read over it.  I am getting better. I forgot how much I love to write.

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I am a totally different person than I was a year ago.

Last year, around this time, I hated my job, chasing a guy that was just not that interested in me, dealing with another man that was toxic, and just down right unhappy.

The day after Christmas, I lost my job.  Well, on Dec. 27th officially.  I came into the office on the 26th and I found a printed email, amongst the sales orders, from the sales director to the COO and the EVP about who he was letting go…and my name was on the list…which was surprising to me because…well, because I’m awesome when it comes to my job!

What was even more surprising was how I handled the situation. I was in the middle of planning a couple of entrepreneurial endeavors and was accepting the fact that my job was a good thing and I could use the money to start my own business but being laid off was not in my plans. Funny thing is, life brings you to the things you ask for all the time. I hated it and wanted to be free from it and so I got what I was asking for… It was unexpected, definitely, but it opened my eyes.

I messaged my co-worker, who had become a really good friend, and asked her to meet me in the bathroom.  I showed her the letter and we talked for a few minutes, she was sad about it and so was I, and we both went back to our desk and agreed to act like we didn’t know.  I slowly started taking the few things I had out to my car and worked the rest of the day as usual.  When I got home, I just thought about how I should handle it….

I mean I coulda went in there and start kicking shit off desks and acting like guy from  the scene on Half Baked when he’s like “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you, I’m out!” and then he throws the hamburger at the guys face…lmao.  If only, right?

Well, anyway, I handled it pretty well, considering that the Sales Director had no basis for letting me go and the only reason I think he did let me go was because he was making inappropriate advances towards me and I didn’t report it.  I came in the next day, in my jeans, button down, and boots, not dressed for work at all, and asked my immediate supervisor, who is a sweetheart, to meet me in the hallway.  I told her that I just came to say goodbye and that I found the letter in the stack of orders.  She was tear filled, she had no idea until she got in that morning.  As I was going to leave, Joe, the sales director wanted to ‘meet’.

So, Judy, my supervisor, Joe, and I were in a room…and before he could open his mouth, I proceeded to tell him that there was no need to go through the motions and that I had found the letter he printed.  Of course he played dumb, but I’m a pretty smart cookie, and I pulled it out of my bag so he could see it. (I mean don’t play me, give me the benefit of the doubt when I tell you something.) He so wanted to go on but I really didn’t give him a chance to talk. I let him know that we, me and my co-workers, were a good team and that it didn’t matter how well we did, he made it seem like it was never good enough.  The fact that we had the best year in sales, in the history of the company didn’t matter to him.

I left. And I have never looked back.  Some other things happened, but basically, I was put in a position where I just didn’t want to feel the way I felt any more. Not about my job/career, not about my love life, not about me….things needed to change.

The catalyst was when toxic man was talking to me all out of sorts and I was baffled.

How did I get here? How did I lose my job? How am I still involved with this man? Why am I chasing a man that has shown that he has absolutely no interest in me?

I had to make a change. I just couldn’t live that way anymore.  I wanted more than anything in the world to be happy.  Happy with myself, just the way I was.

And that’s exactly what I did….I made a change; I went inside and made the change. I became aware of where all my unhappiness was coming from…it was my thinking.

And now, here, today on Nov. 20, I am in a position where it has been difficult to find freelance work for the past month, the guy that I am seeing is pulling back, and I am at a place where I need to again go back inside.

I realized that I was thinking negatively, complaining about a client, and unconsciously pushing this guy away because I was stressing out on other things.

It’s very true that life brings you to lessons again and again until you learn them…I’m realizing that in the last week or so.

So, I went back inside, and I just gave myself the care and attention and love that I needed.  While I’m walking my dog, while I’m laying in my bed, while I’m practicing yoga, I tell myself that everything is okay.  I tell myself, “I love you.”

I say that to myself over and over.  I’ve again become aware of keeping my thoughts only on things that I want in regards to my career and my life period. I’ve taken a step back from my guy and taken the pressure off of him so that we can again enjoy each other.  He thinks we are at a plateau, he’s stopped making plans with me and of course I noticed it and instead of clinging and chasing, I’m going to take a step back and take care of myself, while still being receptive to him.

Life has brought me to a very familiar place again, and this time, I recognize it.  I recognize that here is my test, my multiple choice test.  This is where I apply what I’ve learned over the past 11 months.  This is where I really apply the concept of loving and valuing myself.…

And yes, again, love life everyone, and life will love you back….

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Comments
One Response to “My multiple choice test…”
  1. Freddie says:

    Fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool….., lol, I love that movie! Sounds like you have had a hell of a year and learned the lesson that will serve you this time around. Good for you and continue to go inside….it is a good place.

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