In the valley…

I wrote this yesterday….

Well, today marks the end of another 30 day challenge/cleanse.  I cut off communication with people who I had an unbalanced relationship with, I read to enrich myself spiritually and to uplift my thoughts. I spent a good amount of the 30 days going to yoga every day, except for a few days when I hurt my back and 1 day to hang out with my friend.

Funny thing is….now I’m in this weird space with the guy that I’m dating.  It’s that 4 month time frame where it seems to always get funny. I felt him becoming a little distant about a month ago and I mentioned it and we seemed to get past that little bit of a bump…but last Friday, I had an intuition that he was out with a girl and I asked and he said yes…

Of course I am a little confused…I feel like this guy likes me, I did what I could to take it slow, in the beginning I was still dating others and I had a little encounter a couple of months ago, nothing major, just some attraction that I still had for someone else and I entertained it for a few hours…but after thinking about it, and feeling much better with this guy…I forgot all about that attraction and I stopped dating everyone except him.

…well, now it seems weird because…why is he out with someone else at this point in time.  He tells me that he is happy dating me and that he is happy with where we are but he is open to dating other people…of course my emotions are mixed up now because he was not seeing anyone until now. And woman’s intuition was telling me that things were…funny.

I don’t really know what to do or if there is anything to do.  I put it out there that maybe we should talk about seeing only each other and that I didn’t think that him seeing other people was a problem until now. I told him that it didn’t feel good and that I didn’t want him to see anyone else…so it is out there and that’s about all I can do…

…but now it feels so distant, so uncertain, so…uncomfortable.

Maybe, it’s a good thing. Maybe, this gives me the opportunity to really sit down and check in on the things that I want out of a relationship. I know I want to have a wonderful, healthy, and intimate relationship with a wonderful man that I can marry.  This guy, he’s great. He’s sweet, he’s charming, he’s good to me (I mean for the most part), he’s got a promising career, wants kinds, all that…

It’s funny to me that I am here at this point at the end of my cleanse. A point where all the things I’ve learned about relationships, about myself, about being responsible for my own happiness comes into play. When we had the discussion about him being out with this girl, I felt myself almost reverting, acting automatically how I did before.  I text him all day on Tuesday and he didn’t seem to want to engage in conversation. He responded to my texts and that was pretty much it…I noticed that most of the communicating was coming from my end and I stopped myself.

I am not needy or clingy. I am enough. I am a wonderful, beautiful, kind, gentle, funny, sexy, open, and vulnerable woman. Yes, it doesn’t feel good to be uncertain but I don’t need to make him responsible for me and my happiness.  He can be responsible for his part in this relationship and I need to be responsible for me.  I don’t need to chase, I don’t need to cling, I can simply be receptive to what he offers and take a little time for myself.

Does that mean that we may need some distance from each other…probably. It’s happening anyway so it may as well be productive space.

I’m typically the person people come to for advice on relationships, surprisingly, but today I wish that I could just talk to someone that wasn’t going to say anything negative about him or try to validate my feelings. I want to talk to someone that can tell me the things that I would tell them.

Things like just be calm, be gentle to yourself, show yourself some love. You know things like that…

….I’m in a valley right now. I don’t feel the most confident but I know that it will pass.

…mainly, I just need a shoulder and a hug…and really from the person that feels the most distant right now.

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Comments
2 Responses to “In the valley…”
  1. Freddie says:

    Pfft, sounds like you need a change of man.

  2. Fabiola M. says:

    Vic, youre one of the most beautiful people I know…inside and out. You show so much love, care and kindness to others. Dont forget to show yourself those things First.

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