Laying it on the line

I recently did something that I have never done in my life (which my girlfriends were surprised about and I was surprised that they were surprised considering who I have been in the past).

I laid my heart on the line. At least, I did the very best I could at it since I have absolutely no experience in doing these kinds of emotionally vulnerable things.

There was this guy in my life about a year ago. He made such an impact in such a short amount of time. We had this whirlwind romance and then….it ended. He walked away and I let him. He became distant and I did the only thing I knew how to do and I distanced myself too. It was really…..painful.

At the time, I was still in this residual toxic relationship with my ex who refused to leave me alone and I just didn’t have the energy for anything more.

Over the months, I thought about this very special guy, and I worked to remove the hold that my ex had on me.

I watched (on Facebook of course) as this guy, who used busyness as his escape route, moved on and was in an obvious relationship with a new woman. I’ve never been one to publicly display on social networks but….

Of course, there was a tinge of jealousy. But mostly, I was happy for him. As happy as I could be. He lived a few hours away and I knew how challenging a long distance relationship was for him, and I thought he deserved to be happy with someone that was local.

It was still painful to watch.

We kind of kept in touch but it was and it felt ‘distant’.
I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I had to protect myself. I felt sad and angry. I felt….so so lost.

I missed him so much.

I don’t want anyone to think that this my experience with him was flowers and candy, it wasn’t, but when is it ever?

But anyway…many years ago I was head over for this guy. We were together for about a year. We had a difficult separation but became friends some years later. He married the girl he dated after me. And the reason I bring him up is because I never really told him how I felt until the day he told me he proposed to his girlfriend. When he told me that it made me angry and regretful and resentful. And you know what he said? He said, “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Needless to say, we were both floored at the burst of emotion. We are still friends but we stay away from each other because, well, it’s still there for both of us.

As much of a hopeless romantic as I am, I didn’t really think that my feelings were that deep for this guy. So I set out to let go, like you should when something is over.

But it won’t go away. So, I tried to reach out, several times. And I was nervous every time. And I never quite got around to it.

You know, there’s timing, there’s life, there’s circumstances….there’s the other woman.

I knew the timing would never be right. . .

So, last Friday, I was texting with him. He is home for a while, His Dad had a pulmonary embolism and he is taking care of him. I was concerned for him and his family and inside I was selfish because all I wanted to do was unburden myself.

I was about to end our text message conversation when I got a sudden surge of courage. It was now or never for me. I could either keep the feelings inside and maybe one day regret it like I did with the other guy or I could do the bravest thing I had ever done and put my heart out there.

And so I did it. Yes, over text because I think I would have burst into tears in person or over the phone.

I bumbled my way through it. I don’t even know if I made any sense.
My heart was beating so fast.
My head was spinning.
My adrenaline was running rampant in my body.
It was like I was in a real fight or flight situation.

I didn’t make it about him. I didn’t ask him for anything. I didn’t know what he was going to say.

He was speechless and receptive.

I was surprised.

I had prepared myself to accept his rejection

I was sure this man was not interested. .
Yet, he was. He did say that he was involved but he said that the relationship was going to most likely end because of the distance. (which is a whole other thing when it comes to me and him, I mean, we’re distant…..)

Afterwards, I felt such a relief. I never said that I loved him and I don’t know that I do (in that way) but I did let him know that I had these feelings and attraction and that I really missed him.

We were in contact the next day and then….well, that’s it.

I called him Sunday, no answer.
I was out all day Monday. Didn’t hear from him.
I went to go visit my little cousin for his graduation on Tuesday. I called the guy, I think he zapped me :(. I couldn’t be sure and I didn’t want to expect the worst so I sent him a text letting him know that I was going to be the suburbs and would he meet me somewhere….nothing.

I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t really know what is happening.
I don’t want to think the worst thing.

I did what I set out to do and I feel so much better about it. If this is it, at least I won’t have to regret never saying anything.

I feel sad and unsure of myself right now but surprisingly I just want both of us to be happy. Everybody deserves that and I’m not so selfish to wish anything bad on him.

I guess I care enough to want happiness for him because I want it for myself.

What I did learn in this situation is that it really is safe to express and explore your deeper feelings. That vulnerability isn’t about weakness, it’s about strength.

I also learned that love is being loving even when the guy isn’t with you. That if you really love and care for someone that those feelings aren’t conditional on what the other person does.

You love because of who you are and who they are to you.

That day I faced my fears and came out of it better than I was before.

Even if I am tear filled and unsure today.

Love life everyone. And life will love you back.

Thanks for letting me rant.

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Comments
One Response to “Laying it on the line”
  1. Fabiola M. says:

    Vic, I never knew what a wonderful, expressive writer you are. I should have known because you’re such a loving and caring person and friend. Loving vulnerably makes you who you are, and you will receive that back…from the right man.

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